If 100 is the endpoint, my "rainbow" has already drawn nearly a quarter, and it's time to leave some words to mark this time node. I don't know when the rain outside the window will stop. Looking into the distance, Hotel California is playing on repeat in my headphones. Yes, living in "fantasy," all the prosperity is just an illusion in the end.
There haven't been any major changes in work and life this year, just like the sea occasionally stirring up waves and then returning to calm. I have a deeper understanding of work and life, and I am beginning to understand the meaning of work and what I truly want.
I have floated and sunk for more than ten years,
Shining in the starry sky, carrying confusion.
This confused young man,
Wishes to dedicate his life to music, immersing himself in every day that never changes.
- Leslie Cheung, "When the Wind Rises"
Work#
Although I haven't been working for a long time, I have experienced three stages from busy to stable to numbness. The busyness was because the company was a startup, and as soon as the project was approved, we immediately started hacking an MVP for release, and then polished the product based on user feedback. I hadn't encountered many of the technologies before, so I kept shuttling between various documents to learn, and I also lamented that I had been a "frog at the bottom of a well" before. The huge bubble is not everything, there is a broader sky outside.
The "honeymoon period" of work is always short-lived. After the project and technology become relatively stable, work becomes a means of making a living rather than realizing self-worth. There was a period of time when I complained in my heart, saying things like "this job doesn't allow me to grow" and "the project's technology stack is stable, but lacks keeping up with the times." I also wrote down some thoughts on work and people. The numbness towards this job stems from the management's focus on quickly launching the MVP and ignoring user feedback, as well as not recognizing the efforts of developers in terms of iteration, which resulted in dissatisfaction from both developers and users, and ultimately the project was abandoned.
I have also tried changing jobs, but due to issues such as education and experience, many times I would send out my resume and never hear back. One night, I couldn't sleep and looked at the ceiling, and I figured out a lot of things:
- Work is just a means of making a living. Not everyone can do a job they love, and not everyone can make technical progress from their work.
- Self-worth is realized outside of the eight-hour workday, such as through side projects or becoming an influencer.
- The important thing is not the tool for solving problems, but the methods and thoughts used.
- Meeting users' needs is the key to the long-term success of a product.
Life#
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The unchanging daily routine may have contributed to my numbness and fatigue towards work: living and working in the same area, eating three meals at convenience stores along the way, studying English and reading hacker news after work. Until one day, a typhoon came and I was trapped in a snack shop unable to return. The small puddles on the ground were rippled by the falling raindrops. At that moment, I shed tears because I was trapped, and because I heard the voice inside me again. Life was originally colorful, but repetition and monotony turned it into a dull black and white.
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When I was a child, a serious illness caused me to become the "fat boy" in the eyes of others due to taking many hormone medications. I endured ridicule and mockery from others. I became "quiet" and "silent," unwilling to communicate with the outside world. I comforted myself with the thought that as long as they knew what that nickname represented, it was enough. Fortunately, I later met some friends who didn't mind my body shape and helped me a lot. Although I later lost weight, my introversion remained and added some difficulties to my life. I still remember my first job interview at Alibaba. I stumbled through the questions for a long time before answering them. The first time I found a foreign coach for spoken English, words popped out of my mouth one by one, and I felt embarrassed listening to myself.
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The transitions between each stage always have events that trigger me and make me bounce back. I remember in junior high school, I didn't have any hope for the future as a middle-of-the-road student, but I unexpectedly ranked high in the exams. It turned out that a little effort brings "abundant" rewards, so I worked hard and eventually got into a prestigious high school in the city. My language exam scores were not ideal several times, so I secretly gave myself an ultimatum, and in the end, I pushed myself one more time and unexpectedly exceeded my expectations. I wasn't as bad as I imagined. Last year, I went through a period of confusion. I didn't know how to improve technically, and the environment at the time made me feel anxious and uneasy. I didn't have any friends around to answer my doubts, so I sent messages and emails to some "strangers" on social networks with a broken jar mentality. Fortunately, I received many enthusiastic answers and saw the beauty of asynchronous communication. Maybe this world is not as cold as imagined.
However big the problem, tell your heart, "all is well, pal."
- "3 Idiots"
Conclusion#
Looking back, the present me is the result of the past parameters. Maybe I didn't adjust the parameters well, or maybe this model of mine is not good at dealing with "life" issues. Life is really unpredictable. Can I become a better version of myself through this "parameter adjustment"?
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward;
you can only connect them looking backwards.
- Steve Jobs
Thank you to everyone who has interacted with me on social media. I will always remember your generosity. I wish you a smooth and happy life.
Goodbye 24. 25, nice to meet you.